In this blog, Dr. Reedy challenges the thinking behind the adage that your should be the parent and not the friend to your child. This blog is hosted on evoketherapy.com.
It has been awhile since I have felt inspired to write a blog. Usually, a theme emerges from my work and swells until I feel that I need to get something in print. It could come from something I have learned in my own therapy, a breakthrough of sorts. Or it could come from a theme that seems to be repeating itself in my work with my clients or with the therapists I supervise—those groups are the most powerful teachers in my life.
The Psychology of Donald Trump
When I was a teenager, my therapist explained, “A superiority complex always covers up an inferiority complex.” Arrogance or narcissism is not born from an experience of being overvalued or coddled, but rather from being not seen or heard. The defenses we associate with narcissistic personality disorder are formed to protect the individual from a sense of being small, powerless, and invisible. Often the narcissist develops gifts or talents to cover up these feelings of insignificance or emptiness. These proclivities may be reinforced and rewarded, thus solidifying patterns in behavior leading to the development of the diagnosis of a disorder. Accomplishments assure the sufferer that their place is secure—that they matter. The problem is that the “I matter” feeling for narcissists is fleeting and tenuous. The narcissist is seeking for connection, meaning and worth, but these feelings cannot be realized if the individual is valued based on their giftedness.
My marriage to my first wife ended in 1996. We had married young, children ourselves really, and after two miscarriages, had two beautiful children, Jacob and Emma. While growing up, I had not consciously anticipated fatherhood, but my wife was eager and I subsequently fell in love with our children. It was not love at first sight, maybe because I never thought of being a father growing up. But as my children grew, my love for them grew too.
Many people are writing and talking about narcissism these days. What worries me the most is that the rhetoric coming from some psychologists and parent educators is inconsistent with what we know about child development and attachment. The inaccurate conceptualization goes something like this: narcissism comes from parents overvaluing children or putting them on a pedestal. Many point to such practices as handing out participation trophies as examples of how we coddle today’s youth. They blame cultural phenomenon like helicopter parenting, snow-plow parenting, doting parenting, or the inability of parents to hold their children accountable as the reasons that children grow up to be narcissistic. While outwardly these parental behaviors may look like like the child is being overvalued, there is something underneath these interactions that explains the development of a narcissistic personality. To be clear,
Socrates taught by asking questions. Therapists have the great privilege of being asked questions every day. A general assumption in society is that therapists possess some wisdom and that wisdom can be imparted to clients for an hourly fee. That assumption is not so much a problem when it is held by the client, but the idea is toxic when held by the therapist. Therapy is something you create together with your client. It is not merely the dissemination of information, facts, or techniques. It is a way of being with a person that makes most of the impact. And if the Socratic method of teaching is to inform us, it is the person asking the questions that is the teacher—the one answering is the student. Perhaps this is why so many therapists report learning so much from their clients.
Click below to go to this blog on evoketherapy.com.
To destroy an enemy, we must embrace him. We must love and understand him. Whether it is a politician or a mass shooter or someone we think betrays the morals of our higher power, the only way to destroy the enemy is to love her. If hate, ignorance, and judgement are what cause the problem, hate cannot solve it--only love. The balm must be love and education and emanate from an enlightened place that demonstrates an awareness of our own darkness.
It has only been recent and only through my personal work in therapy that I have become aware something significant. Looking back on my life, my childhood, I realize that I have had to allocate my psychological resources for defending myself against real or perceived threats to my ego. I reflect back to my childhood, to my unique gifts and my unique way of thinking and realize that much of what makes me, “me” has always been present. Yet, there wasn’t anyone consistent in my childhood context that could see me and offer the necessary validation. Had that occurred, I could have, from that early point on, used my time to develop those gifts. Instead, it is if I have wasted many years, decades, trying to prove to others that I was worthy of love and attention.
Something wonderful happens when a publisher says she likes your work. And then, when you go on-line to Google this publisher and you find out that she is Judith Regan, one of the most accomplished and renowned publishers of our time, it is exhilarating. It is this wonderful moment when all of your insecurities about yourself, about your thoughts and ideas of the world, are given a reprieve. When my soon-to-be agent told me that Judith Regan liked my book and wanted to talk about publishing it, it was one of the most validating moments in my life.